Teaching Cancer to Cry - For Bobby and Ezra

As I mentioned in my earlier post tonight my 4 hours in Hopkinton before the race were all about meeting and catching up with the other 700 DFMC runners. Balancing the needs of 2 munchkins, 2+ start-ups, the sanity of a husband and pooch, PLUS the polar vortex winter weather, I decided early on not to try and make one of the training runs in Boston. This made things a little lonely, but definitely saner, and all the more important to soak up as much as I could glean from the other runners while waiting for start time.

When I arrived, I settled into a circle of chairs and as I was puttering and eavesdropping caught sight of the back of a shirt as it went by "Teaching Cancer to Cry"

It triggered something in me, but I couldn't place it then. It just resonated and echoed my constant "kicking cancer's butt" motto of both this race and my mindset about cancer. The shirt sat down nearly in front of me and I met Bobby - who after a few sentences, opened a rush of memories and the real reason Teaching Cancer to Cry rang such a true tone in me.

Bobby was running for Ezra. The Ezra who taught me to dance with cancer with his amazing post from 2012: http://rowgirlgoesrunning.blogspot.com/2013/01/sitting-on-sidelines-of-cancer-its-so.html

I don't question these things any more, just suck them in and enjoy the light, the laughter, the love. Thanks Bobby for bringing Ezra right to me. And thanks again Ezra, for your words that helped so much. Glad we were all in the "same" place for a few hours. :-)

#DFMC25 - Boston Marathon 2014 Race Report

The Swift-Herzog DFMC25 team travelled down to Boston early Easter morning after a quick examination of the Easter Bunny’s gifts - new hiking backpacks, water bottles, bread bunnies, and, of course, the traditional chocolate and jelly beans for breakfast. It was a beautiful morning to travel.

Somehow all that sugar did not make for a crazy car ride and we were cruising into the Back Bay by 11, very excited to see our host for the next few days, Lisa “Lili” Cloitre. Lisa is a friend of mine since 1st grade, and an amazing supporter herself of Dana Farber through her Pan Mass Challenge rides and SwimAmerica swims. Hey, between the two of us we could probably make a pretty decent Dana Farber Ironman Team or maybe Half-Ironman...but I digress. :-)

While the rest of the gang went off to burn some energy at the playground, I was off and running to get my bib number and check in at DFMC25 headquarters - ie get all those last few details done and taken care of. I snuck a peek at Boylston Street and knew I just had to go back, not alone, but with Brynna at least, so after a yummy lunch, Bryn, Nate and I left Lili and Grif “napping” and headed towards the finish line where Nate caught the perfect picture.

Nothing like 6yo energy and smiles to sum up all of the feelings of Boylston St just perfectly.  

Then on the way back we stumbled across a pack of obvious elite athletes talking on the corner and I just had to interrupt to get this picture of, um, yes, MY current running idol, Kara Goucher and Bryn. Kara was so amazingly gracious and kind to do it too. Felt like my race had been blessed after that encounter.

Last, but not least, the ribbons went onto the singlet. Ended up with about 70 names. An amazing source of strength and encouragement throughout Monday’s run - thank you all for their stories and the love that carried each one.

With all the details taken care of, now it just come down to waiting. Waiting until bed time, waiting for the busses to leave, waiting to get to Hopkinton, waiting at the DFMC church. I was very, very patient, but I was definitely ready to run! Thank goodness I was getting tweets, emails, donations, words of encouragement from all of you and from my fellow DFMC runners. Being in VT, I don’t get to come down to the training runs they offer to support the runners, so those 3-4 hours were a wonderful catch up and inspiration.

Then it was time to head to the starting line (finally!!) The temps were warm even at 10:45, so I soon left my long sleeved shirt in one of the donation bags and worried a bit about my capabilities to deal with the “heat”. Running in temperatures over 50 degrees had not been part of my training this winter. We were the 9th correl in the the third wave - pretty far down the street and there were people ahead as far as you could see.

As soon as they started the wave though, we got moving - walking and then running steps from the starting line. Perfectly coordinated BAA, yet again!

Boston is a tricky course - the elevation gain is negative for the first 16 miles, giving you a false sense of easy cruising, often at split times you haven’t seen in training yet. Then the hills hit in Newton, 4 of them, nothing that wasn’t comparable to those regularly in my hill repertoire in VT, but still hard if you don’t rein yourself back a bit. So that’s what I tried to do from the very start - feel like I was running slow, slow, slow - and enjoy the trip.

The Boston course is lined with fans, 2-3 people deep from the start to finish. Each town takes their role very seriously and the town lines and centers were huge parties. I missed Julie so very much right then. All these celebrations for a city we both “grew up” in, met our life partners in, and would always love. Our paths never crossed during each of our 10 years there, but those years were integral to who we were when we did meet in VT. Somehow I knew that she would have been there at my side, running and celebrating our Boston Strong, while doing our best to kick cancers butt too. A touch of grey on an otherwise, beautiful, beautiful day.

The miles cruised by and I was soon in the shade of Wellesley College and the sound chamber of 100’s of cheering Wellesley women - as I promised myself and a few others, this time I did do the high-fives and gave a few kisses. Nothing like a tunnel of female power to push you over the halfway mark. Thank you ladies!

Then I got the best cheers of the day: Lisa and Nate got my gang to Wellesley and not only did I get my hugs and beautiful smiles from Grif and Brynna, but high tens from everyone. My second half started on a huge high! 

As I ran out of Wellesley, I spotted a bank temperature sign: 69 degrees. Wow. I was drinking, fueling, and running a steady, reasonable pace, that included walks along each water stop every mile, but my body was just not ready for the heat. I got a funny little chill run through my body at about 19 miles and made the decision: I’m going for a finish, not for time and started to walk/run at shorter intervals. My Vermont runner side is a little mad that I didn’t crush all of those hills, but as Lisa told me at 23 miles, “You look SO much better than everyone else” I think the decision was the right one for many reasons, not the least of which, I really, really got to enjoy the journey of those last 6 miles from BC to the finish. Even took some pictures.

Citgo sign getting bigger at 1.5 miles to go! Almost there!

I savoured that last mile. First, thanks and high fives with the DFMC gang at Mile 25. Waving to Fenway - Go Sox! Cruising the downhill into my first Boston neighborhood, Kendall Sq. Down and under Mass Ave and around the corner onto Hereford and up to Boylston - a silent thank you to Engine #10 as I rounded the corner on to the home stretch. Got a funny little worry looking down that corridor, but then utter defiance took over: This is OUR finish line! I must not have been the only one thinking this, as I made my way closer the crowds would roar in waves, the sound wave pushing us along on its crest. Then across the finish line, just under my goal of 11 minute miles in 4:45.09.

It was a really, really great day.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your virtual watching, cheers, and incredibly generous donations. I’m pushing $12,000 raised and have checks ready to send that will get me solidly over that hurdle. Donations are still welcome though (through September!) and I’m still focused on getting to $15,000. So, if you have friends, family, anyone who might donate to the ‘cause, please don’t hesitate to forward this along or post on Facebook/Twitter/Google+! Any amount and publicity helps and is so appreciated.  Donations can be made either at my DFMC webpage or through the mail. Checks should be made out to "Dana-Farber Marathon Challenge" and sent to me at 35 Crombie St, Burlington, VT 05401.

Many hugs and thanks from Vermont, Kerry

February 10th - One year.

Grief sneaks up on you and I have noticed through the years that it often doesn't arrive right at the exact date you expect it, nor in the way you predict it.

So much of this year has been hard, but I think that the times that really hurt were the birthday weeks. 3 weeks of birthdays, 3 little ones turning a year older, all on the same day of the week, starting with the first due date: Julie's. And that day the loss whacked me hard: all the potential, the dreams, the love she had for her amazing little girl. Her joy - "to the moon and back"and how she, all three of us really, grew in so many ways with the births of those individuals and how, like we expected them to, we expected our own lives to keep wonderfully changing.

Changing, but not ending.

And now here it is: one year. Funny, it's stuck right in the middle of the VT winter and you'd think it would be terribly dark, but it's also a time of year when the temps are warming, the days lengthening, and it's snowing a bit more. The anticipation of spring, although a long way off, tinges the cold days and is often my favorite part of the year to get outside.

It's been hard to think about where Julie was during these weeks last year. I, in fact, did not see her for almost two weeks prior to the day I was scheduled to pick up Riley for a Sunday at our house, part of a calendar of care and meals. I knew as soon as Julie got out of the hospital that there would be an outpouring of care and sign ups, but as the weeks went on, then I'd be needed again. I also needed time - the week at the hospital had been hard on everyone - unknowns, turning into knowns, becoming a battleground, then all of us trying to find space for the acceptance, the understanding, that we were going to lose her.

Especially Julie.

You did not make decisions for Julie. You gave her information, which she accepted with care, a smile, and then took it in with loving and thoughtful consideration. I can only imagine she was doing this every second of those last weeks and days.

As she surely was on that last day.

I called and arranged to pick up Riley mid morning. Came into the house, gave hugs to Julie's dad and scooped up Ri in a hug and bustle of questions of what we'd be doing that day. It was in the midst of that conversation when I walked into Julie's room and knew instantly where we were. Holding Julie's hand I chatted with her and Rick, goofed with Ri, and finally as exhaustion quickened her breathing, gave her a kiss, told her I loved her, and headed out to home and a day of typical 3 and 5yo craziness and loveliness.

That afternoon, while my munchkins took their naps, Ri and I read on the couch. Restless, Ri went to the window, looking out on Mt. Mansfield and a forest full of snow. "Kerry, what is that red animal?" I went to the window and there, glorious against the snow, was a beautiful red fox. Our dog, typically ready to defend her yard, didn't move from her bed. And the fox looked us and then gracefully, with strong, purposeful strides, ran up through the woods to disappear into the trees. "That was beautiful" we both sighed.

And then the phone rang a half hour later.

I often joke with friends who knew her well that Jules planned that day perfectly, but I honestly believe it too, as I believe that her spirit and love lives through all of us still. Perhaps too, it lived a bit in that fox, on that bright, bluebird, February day, saying goodbye, but also showing us a path we could live by too.

Be loved. Be love. She is safe.

January 24th Julie Kelliher Appreciation Day

Last week's mid-week runs were uninspired or avoided and I finally came up against the fact that it was Friday and I had put in 4 miles since Sunday's 10 mile long run.

Not good.

Somehow though Friday morning my body woke me up at 4:30, I wandered downstairs to the ready coffeemaker (thank you wonderful Nate for making coffee every night!) and by 5:30 I was ready to go - still too cold and dark to run, so I headed up the hill to UVM and my friend, the arc trainer, for 5 miles.

Slowly, but surely the fog that had been hanging over me that last week lessened and I watched the sky lighten at 6:40 over Mts. Lincoln and Ellen in the Green Mountains. Say what you will about UVM's sports facilities, their rec fitness center has one of the best views in the world, especially at daybreak.

Then this song came on:
http://youtu.be/fQ3wpjdYMqk

Kind of wish at that point that I was on the road.
So much easier to cry when the wind blows the tears away.

It was good.
It was exactly what I needed.
A "run" and a moment to touch the love they left me.

And later that day I got this email:

Today is Julie Kelliher day!  By virtue of the Official Proclamation made by our esteemed and fearless leader, ACCD Secretary Lawrence Miller, January 24^th is Julie’s day.  So, maybe take a moment, read the attached Proclamation, admire the beautiful images of Julie, her husband Rick and daughter Riley, and reflect on how we live – here and beyond our work.  And how Julie was a shining example of the way we touch so many lives, and that every encounter with another person is an opportunity to impart a measure of goodness.

In Julie’s honor, enjoy the day, as she would have.

So I did.
And may you.
PS - thanks Lawrence....

S T A T E   O F   V E R M O N T

AGENCY OF COMMERCE AND COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT

A   P R O C L A M A T I O N

WHEREAS,    Julie Kelliher on June 21, 2004 was appointed, and has served loyally, faithfully and meritoriously as General Counsel for Vermont’s Department of Economic, Housing and Community Development through January of 2013; and

WHEREAS,    under Julie’s skillful leadership and expert advice, the Department has delivered exceptional service to the people of Vermont across a variety of housing, community development and historic preservation programs, particularly through her steady counsel and oversight provided to the Vermont Community Development Program and the Community Development Board that annually award millions of dollars in grants to municipalities to help strengthen their housing, economic and community development resources and opportunities; and

WHEREAS,    Julie’s passion for her work was evidenced by her tireless dedication to upholding laws, regulations and policies intended to protect the interests of Vermonters, often some of our most vulnerable citizens facing significant threats to their homes from both natural disasters such as flooding, as well as man-made causes such as environmental hazards and inadequate and unfair operation; and

WHEREAS,    the Department and its Division for Historic Preservation are particularly indebted to Julie for her effective counsel provided to the Vermont Downtown Program and the Downtown Development Board on behalf of many of Vermont’s historic downtowns and villages as well as Vermont’s historic sites and resources; and

WHEREAS,    Julie’s service to the people of Vermont has included numerous acts above and beyond the scope of her official duties, including developing guidance documents to help better inform the public and regulated communities on significant legal matters and giving presentations thereon; and

WHEREAS,    Julie brought to the Department her keen mind, her courage to take on all challenges, no matter how great or novel, her engaging personality that impressed and won over many a legislative committee, her Irish passion and humor, and a compassionate ear for anyone in need of wise counsel,

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Lawrence Miller, Secretary of the Agency of Commerce and Community

                                                 Development, exceeding all power and authority of my office, hereby proclaim January 24 as

                                                JULIE KELLIHER APPRECIATION DAY in Vermont.

Given under my hand and the Great Seal of the State of Vermont this

24th day of January, A.D. 2013.

_____________________________

Lawrence Miller

Secretary

 

Hills, snow and training partners

Survived the windy trip back to VT pretty well and after a day of getting ourselves settled in got myself back up the hill running. The wind has stuck with us and, along with a few inches of snow, made these last two runs cold ones, but I had lots of company. My college friend, Celeste, came up for two days with her two dogs and so it was a crowd of humans and doggies who went out Tuesday am for 5 miles. I will admit, it was a partial walk run, since pushing Brynny in her baby jogger over snow covered roads still turns any run into a power workout, especially going up hill, but the run parts were good, easier than in October, and it was so nice to run with Celeste again.

Today we did a 4 mile tempo run without Bryn - starting at the other side of the hill (Nate dropped us off), warming up for a mile, going up the "heartbreak hill" training hill (one mile of steep - perfect for training for that 3/4mile of torture!), and then kicking it down to home. Windy and wicked, wicked cold.

Celeste was my training partner when I'd get home to Durham every weekend the summer of 1995. It was such a joy to get out with her on long runs through all of Durham, following trails she knew from mountain biking and skiing, taking a mental and physical break from Brian's treatments, the obvious pain he was in, and the stress it was having on all of us. Those runs always brought me back to home with the strength and spirit to continue whatever support I could offer and is likely part of the reason I've returned to running this year and why the DFMC is such a fit.

I ran my first half marathon, the one I was training for that summer, two days after Brian passed. He ran with me that day...until I hit the wall at 11 miles, then we just laughed as I walked/ran, got some fuel in me, and still manged to run fast enough to take 3rd place in my age group, taking home a yummy apple pie.